“It’s the relationship that heals” – Irvin D. Yalom
I first encountered this profound statement decades ago while studying psychotherapy at university, reading Yalom’s “Love’s Executioner.” That particular chapter hit me like a lightning bolt. While theoretical orientations and continuing professional development are undoubtedly important, understanding that it was the quality of human connection achieved in therapy that mattered most had a profound impact on how I would approach my work for years to come.
I’ve been reflecting lately on something that’s been troubling me in our profession, and it brings me right back to Yalom’s wisdom. We’re living in an age where emotional support is apparently just a smartphone tap away. AI chatbots offer round-the-clock empathy, apps promise instant relief, and algorithms claim to understand our deepest struggles. The rise of human vs AI therapy is becoming part of the conversation in both professional spaces and the wider culture.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not a technophobe. Some of these tools are remarkably sophisticated, and I’m genuinely pleased that more people are seeking support for their mental health, regardless of the format.
But after decades in this field, I need to say something that might sound old-fashioned: there’s a profound difference between being responded to and being truly met. And that difference lies entirely in relationship.
Why People Turn to Digital Solutions
I understand the appeal completely. It’s always available – no waiting lists or scheduling challenges. It’s often free or significantly cheaper than working with someone like me. There’s anonymity – no need to feel exposed or vulnerable with another human being. And perhaps most seductively, it tends to agree and affirm, which feels wonderfully soothing when you’re in pain! This is part of why human vs AI therapy has become such a compelling topic — especially for people who’ve never experienced the difference that real relationship makes.
For some people, particularly those who’ve never experienced therapy, this can feel sufficient. And sometimes, for a period, it genuinely is helpful. A gentle reframe, a nudge towards different thinking, somewhere to process thoughts at three in the morning.
But here’s what I know to be true after all these years: comfort and genuine connection are entirely different beasts.
Beyond Information and Advice
Here’s something I see repeatedly with successful, intelligent clients. They often arrive knowing exactly why they’re stuck. They may understand their patterns, they may have read extensively, they may follow all the right thought leaders on social media.
Yet they’re still struggling.
That’s because healing isn’t simply about acquiring knowledge or receiving advice. Real transformation happens when you’re in a space where your carefully constructed defences can finally soften. Where someone truly sees you – all of you – and doesn’t flinch. Where you’re held rather than hurried, challenged when necessary, rather than merely comforted.
This is what artificial intelligence, regardless of how clever it becomes, simply cannot provide.
The Limitation of Always Being Nice
AI is programmed to be agreeable, supportive, endlessly patient. It rarely challenges you. It won’t gently confront your blind spots or lovingly call out self-sabotaging patterns. It can’t sit comfortably with your difficult silences or notice when your voice changes as you mention a particular memory.
It misses the space between the words – and that space is often where the real work happens.
Sometimes healing requires facing what’s uncomfortable rather than being perpetually soothed. Real therapeutic work is fundamentally relational. It’s about two nervous systems finding safety together, trust that builds over weeks and months, the inevitable ruptures and repairs that strengthen connection. It’s hearing someone say “That sounds incredibly painful” and knowing they truly mean it because they know your story.
You simply cannot replicate this with an algorithm, regardless of how sophisticated the programming, and this is the core distinction at the heart of the human vs AI therapy conversation — connection isn’t just a feature, it’s the foundation.
Finding the Balance
I’m not suggesting we dismiss technology entirely. AI can play a useful role as part of someone’s broader support network. But we need to be honest about its limitations.
Digital support can’t identify concerning patterns that might indicate serious mental health risks. It carries no professional responsibility or accountability. It offers no continuity, no deep memory of your journey, no genuine relationship. And perhaps most importantly, it cannot co-regulate a dysregulated nervous system because it doesn’t possess one itself.
The Value of Slowing Down
In our culture of instant everything, genuine therapeutic work asks you to do something revolutionary: slow down. Stay present. Allow yourself to soften. Explore gently what lies beneath the reaction, the familiar pattern, the persistent pain.
This isn’t always comfortable – in fact, it rarely is. But it’s transformative in ways that quick fixes simply cannot be.
Even as AI becomes increasingly sophisticated, the human relationship remains irreplaceable in therapeutic work. No matter how advanced the tech becomes, human vs AI therapy will never be a level playing field — because therapy is about being, not just doing.
If You’re Ready for Something Deeper
If you’ve been trying the DIY approach – the apps, the articles, the midnight conversations with chatbots – perhaps this is your invitation to consider something different.
You don’t need to navigate this alone. You’re allowed to seek support that’s genuinely human. You deserve to be seen, heard, and held – not just processed by an algorithm.
If you’ve already worked with me, or you’ve recently signed up for a programme — thank you. You’ve already chosen the path of meaningful human connection, and I’m so glad to have walked alongside you, or be about to!
If you’re still considering whether to take that step – if you’re seeking something more substantial than advice and you’re ready for real growth – I invite you to book a conversation. We can explore where you are right now and what kind of support would serve you best.
While I might not respond to emails at two in the morning, I do include unlimited email support in all my programmes, so you’re still welcome to spill whatever’s on your mind in the wee small hours if you need to, and I’ll be here the following day with genuine care, curiosity, and space for whatever needs to be explored.
Because this work isn’t about a quick fix, or simply telling you what to do. It’s about being with you on the journey as you grow into your full potential and become the version of yourself you want to be.
The relationship that heals is waiting for you when you’re ready. You can find out more about working with me here
Warmest wishes
Frances x
N.B. If you have a child who is facing challenges in their life, do have a look at my separate Brighter Futures for Kids blog where I have numerous posts helping parents support their children and teens in a wide range of different situations